Jaded Entity
by myladysakura
Summary: She wasn't unsure. In fact, she knew it. That if they ever met again, she would fall completely and irrevocably. KakaSaku.


_I am the mess you chose,  
The closet you cannot close.  
Devil in you, I suppose  
Because the wounds never heal. _

Konoha had changed so much, more so than she would have ever believed it. _She_ herself had changed so much, more so than she would have ever thought possible. Everyone had left her.

Tsunade had been taken during the Fourth Ninja War, when Sakura had just turned 21. The war had escalated until the Hokage herself had to take part in combat, sacrificing herself to protect Konoha. The numerous battles and encounters with countless powerful shinobi had finally taken a toll on the fifth Hokage. Ino had also been lost later that day after being poisoned by an enemy shinobi. Sakura hadn't been there to watch them go down; she didn't think she would have been able to stand it. A part of Sakura died along with them that day, and she had been wrecked, running harder than she had ever run in her life, praying that she would be able to make it in time. But she didn't. She'd sobbed hard while pumping whatever chakra she had left into their lifeless bodies, finally passing out, slumped over the two important women that she'd long come to love and admire, her face still stained wet with tears. No one had ever told her that it was Kakashi who found her, and carried her to the hospital for treatment.

More pointless fighting went on, what with the war being prolonged because of continued strained diplomatic relations between the hidden villages. The second hard blow came when Sai never returned from a mission that he was assigned to, and when Sakura found out that it was a suicide mission from the start, she had raged and stormed and cried, but she knew that there was nothing she could do that would ever bring him back to her, to Konoha. Yet another piece of her heart was gone with him on that day, and she'd been angry for a long time after that. Even though she should have known better as a kunoichi that such things would happen sooner or later, she couldn't help but feel disillusioned, feel that things were far too unfair somehow. Sai had just begun opening up to her and the people around them, starting showing emotions, when she previously thought it impossible for him. It was just too unfair.

Still, everyday she carried on fighting, clinging to the last shreds of light in the hopeless swamps of the killing and dying. She took whatever comfort she could in the fact that Naruto and Kakashi were still standing beside her, still fighting and still hoping against hopes that the Fourth Ninja War would end soon. By then, she'd long stopped taking the trouble to keep up with what Sasuke was doing, where he was and wondering if he would ever come back to Konoha. Inwardly, she'd known for a long time that he was a lost cause; she just never had the heart to face Naruto and tell him straight. But Sasuke was far from her mind, because even then, in the heart of the war, she could tell that however subtly, things were changing.

Perhaps it had all to do with the war. Perhaps if things were still sunny, peaceful and calm, it would have never amounted to that. Perhaps… perhaps. But each lingering moment spent with Kakashi caused her to think otherwise. It made her wonder if he would have been feeling that way towards her regardless of the fact that any one of them could very well die on the next mission that they were being assigned to, or the next surprise attack that the other hidden villages would spring on them. Thinking back, she couldn't say for sure when it had started, but each time she found Kakashi's hands around hers, or cupped around her cheek, or his arms around her, she found herself falling harder and harder into this whirlwind of emotions that were threatening to spiral out of control. Every time she lost a friend in the war, Kakashi would be there beside her somehow. It seemed he always knew what she needed, and always took on the role of her protector. After all, he was always the one to save her, even back when they were still Genin, and back when team 7 still comprised of Naruto, Sasuke and her. No words were said. No words needed to be said. Not in that tumultuous time of war. Words did not amount to anything, not when promises could be broken so damned easily. All that mattered to Sakura was that the two remaining most important people in her life were still there physically, if only for one more day. She'd never expected to be jaded so early on in her life. The war only showed her how relatively sheltered her life had been up until then.

As if it wasn't enough, she'd lost Naruto as well. She'd almost died from the pain of losing him. It was so intense that until this day, she can still remember it. It had seemed unreal. It wasn't supposed to end like it had. Naruto was Naruto. For a long time she refused to believe that he would ever leave her behind, because they had made a promise of a lifetime. She'd half expected to see his silly grin, or hear his 'dattebayo' speech quirk, but it never happened. She knew that Kakashi was devastated as well. He'd believed that Naruto would be able to end the war. It seemed that all hope was gone. All they had left was each other.

Still though, they never said anything, never admitted what they felt for each other. Sakura did not expect anything from Kakashi. She was afraid to progress any further than they already had. If she openly admitted that Kakashi meant much more to her than she would ever have known, she knew that this time the pain of losing him would definitely kill her. It was all psychological, but it was the last barrier that was preventing her heart from suffering utter destruction.

For a while after they lost Naruto, it felt as though the situation was getting better. Naruto's sacrifice was not in vain, it seemed. He had defeated all the bijuu that Akatsuki unleashed upon the shinobi world, and with that problem cleared, the other hidden villages were less enthusiastic about carrying on with a war that had long lost its reason. For the first time in a long time, Sakura dared to hope, if only a little. Maybe, just maybe, she could have something more with Kakashi. She saw the look in his lone eye, and sometimes she felt he thought the same way.

But she just couldn't win for losing.

He had been sworn to absolute secrecy. She wasn't even supposed to know about it. But Kakashi knew that his chances of returning back to Konoha were zero to none, so he just had to make a visit to her before he slipped into the darkness and did what he knew he would have to do. It was a classified, unranked, solo mission that was absolutely critical to the ending of the Fourth Ninja War. He'd slipped into her room the night that he was leaving and for the first time, pulled down his mask and pressed his lips to hers. It stole her breath away, and despite everything, felt too good to be true. She remembered chastising herself, telling herself that it was wrong, it shouldn't feel good, and that he was going to _die_, for god's sake. But she couldn't help herself. She lost herself further in his embrace, and if it was a kiss, it was nothing like she'd known, so desperate, so intense and so filled with….. an unnamed passion that she would have liked to think was love.

She didn't cry. Even as her body shook with the desperation to keep him chained down, to keep him from leaving, she knew that he would have gone ahead with the mission anyway. It was what they had always hoped for—a chance to end the war. She refused to cry, because the tears wouldn't work on him. Not when he was one of the only remaining few capable enough to end the war and suffering. He had already put his mind to completing the mission successfully, whether or not it would claim his life. As her body quivered with anguish of knowing that she would lose the last person that really mattered to her, Kakashi had put his hand to her chin, lifting her face to meet his. With the gentlest of touches, he brushed his fingers over her cheek.

He could see the emotions and tears in her eyes that were threatening to spill over, and with a pained expression, he had said something that caused Sakura to ponder over the not-quite, not-yet and not-at-all relationship that she shared with Kakashi.

"I wish I could have given you more…, Sakura. But I don't think I could have offered you any more than I already have. Please understand."

And with a gentle kiss to her forehead, as if sealing his undeniable fate, he disappeared into the darkness.

* * *

As planned, the Fourth Ninja War was brought to an end with the information that Kakashi sent back to Konoha. However, he was lost forever on that last mission. What made it worse was that his death was never fully confirmed, for the search team dispatched to collect his body had never found it. It had been 4 years since the war ended, and Konoha _had_ changed. The seventh Hokage wasn't a shinobi she knew personally, and she carried out missions only for the sake of doing so. She'd long stopped keeping count of how many friends she lost in the war, and the last few who did remain knew that they would never recover from it.

Every day, she made it a point to visit the memorial, just as Kakashi had always done before. It was sadly ironic that she only fully understood him as a person when he was gone. Slowly, she ran her fingers down the list of names of the shinobi who had died to protect Konoha. She no longer had any tears to shed, but when her fingers reached his name an inevitable pang of grief hit her.

'_Hatake Kakashi_'

She was vaguely aware of a presence behind her. "If it's still worth anything, Sakura, I'm sure he loved you, in his own way. I could tell from the way he looked at you."

It was Shizune. Sakura smiled slightly. She and Shizune had gotten a lot closer after the war, as they came to understand each other's pain. She had lost Genma as well. "That's always worth something, Shizune." Sakura smiled sadly. _But not enough. It was too late to be worth enough._

"His death is not yet confirmed, Sakura. I know that chances are slim, but could you still be waiting for him? What would you do if you see him again?"

After sometime, Sakura said, "I don't think I want to."

A brief look of shock flickered over Shizune's face, and she asked with obvious puzzlement in her voice, "Why? Are you unsure?"

Sakura shook her head slowly, taking some time to answer. "…No."

She wasn't unsure. In fact, she knew it. That if they ever met again, she would fall completely and irrevocably. And yet, there was nothing more in his jaded entity that he could possibly offer to her. That his everything. She understood the last words he had spoken to her. After the last portion of her heart had vanished along with Kakashi, she knew that there was simply nothing left to give.


End file.
